just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
