genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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