we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Bang-toberfest begins!!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
