1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
