Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
