he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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