Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
