How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
