She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Still dying that you shit outside
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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