I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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