So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
