when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
