I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
