He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Two words: nipple clamps
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