I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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