Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
