you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
