she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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