I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
