I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
