my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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