I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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