I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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