OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
