Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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