she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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