i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
