the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
