I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
