Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
