Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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