wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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