mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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