Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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