I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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