PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I didn't shave. On purpose
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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