Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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