tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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