Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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