I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
two words...techno handjob
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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