If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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