just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
