I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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