mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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