I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
