I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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