I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
there is glitter all over my balls
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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