my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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