Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
