No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
