Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
