He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just invented taco cereal.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
