I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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