Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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