i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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