just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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