I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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