I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
