a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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